The only thing I take seriously is my Freedom. And Bacon.

Friday, December 5, 2014

The Seventy Year Old Lady Who Loves Her Some LSD

"Humor is the shock absorber of life: it helps us take the blows."- Peggy Noonan

Our patient was in her seventies. She lived in a one-room apartment filled with nothing but dust and old newspapers and crushed cigarette boxes. A few cans of half eaten tuna fish sat on the chipped orange counters. The walls were vintage hunting cabin (you know-fake, dark, drab, paneling). I about gagged from the aroma of fish, urine, and stale smoke. The patient’s daughter had called, concerned because her mother was ‘too thin’ and didn’t seem to be ‘in the right frame of mind' lately.
We took her vitals. Her blood pressure was low. Her heart beat rapid. She wheezed when she spoke. She did not want to leave her swanky home to go to the hospital. She did not want to be poked and prodded and besides, you couldn’t smoke in the hospital.
But she liked Jamie, who was the medic in charge.
He was tall, lean, blonde hair, blue eyes.
“Will you sit with me in the ambulance?” she batted sparse eyelashes.
“I’d like to park my slippers under your bed,” she smacked her cracked lips together.        

Jamie’s face turned red as the rest of us laughed.

 In the back of the ambulance she turned to me.
“Have you ever had LSD?”
I dropped the IV bag I was spiking and glanced over at Jamie- his eyes bugged out like a cartoon character hit over the head with a fry pan.
“L…S…D?” I practically screamed the letters to make sure she heard correctly, and that I had heard correctly.

“Honey, I’m not deaf. Yes, LSD.”

 “No. I have never had LSD,” I recovered the IV solution.
 She clacked her tongue and shook her head, “Every girl should have LSD.”
Jamie leaned toward her and took her long splintered fingers and held them.
“Have you had LSD?” he asked.
 “Oh, my, not for at least 20 years.”
Jamie looked at me and I shrugged. Nothing surprised me anymore.
“You do know what LSD is, don’t you?” his words were kind, not sarcastic.
“Of course!” she rolled her eyes. “L…S…D," she waited a beat then continued, "Long Slim Dick.”
I found I could still be surprised after all.
Jamie and I laughed so hard, tears spilled down our cheeks.
There was nothing wrong with her frame of mind!

Excerpt from Girl Medic - Confession of Chaos and Calamity Behind The Lights and Sirens. 
Available at and