"Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for
it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the
obstacles that will invariably come your way."-Les Brown
My first day on the job as an EMT in Quakertown (Medic 108)
the Chief calls me in the office and says, “Why don’t you take the ambulance
out and drive around the town and familiarize yourself with the streets.”
“By
myself?”
“Is
that a problem?”
“Well.
No.” I had really really wanted this job. I’d been working in
an office, vomiting every morning before I drove to work because I hated it so
much. When the call came to work for Medic 108 in Quakertown (three months
after I’d put in my application), I felt I’d won the lottery.
“Take
108-4. The keys are in the garage.”
“Sure.
Sure.” I start to turn around and he stops me.
“You
HAVE driven an ambulance before, right?”
I’m
facing the door. “Well, no." I confess. "But you never asked that
when you interviewed me.”
He doesn’t respond so I turn around; his head is face down
on a pile of papers on the desk, and he starts softly pounding his head on the
desk. Finally, he lifts his head just enough so he can speak to me, “Just
take the rig and drive very carefully around town. Do you think you can handle
that?”
“Sure.
Of course. Not a problem.”
So
off I go, driving around the small town, thinking how much better this is than
sitting at a desk and watching the second hand tick away the most boring
moments of my life. After awhile I feel very confident with the big rig, and
pull into a super market parking lot to get a bottle of ice tea and a yogurt.
As
I try to squeeze between a van and a station wagon, I accidentally hit the
station wagon.
OHNOOHNOOHNO.
My
father’s voice calmly speaks to me, “Park somewhere else, wait for the driver
to come back to the car, and explain what happened.”
So,
I glance around to see who was watching. No one.
I
back up, move a few rows above the car and park where there are no cars. I walk
to the station wagon and am totally relieved that there isn't a dent or
scratch. God Bless strong, sturdy, old cars.
Now I'm torn.
Should I wait for the driver? No dents, no marks, no harm, right?
But I was taught to
be honest - and what if someone saw the bump...what if it's on a camera? I'm
sweating. This is my first day on the job. I quit an office job that I hated so
much I would pull over and vomit on the way to work. I hated being confined. I
hated how boring it was. This was the job I never thought I'd want growing up -
but now that I had it, I could think of no place else I'd rather be.
I
don’t want to lose this job.
I
bargain with myself, “I’ll go in, buy my lunch, and if I come back out and the
car is still here, I’ll wait for the driver.”
I
turn my father’s voice off and walk into the grocery store with a pounding
heart, sweating hands, and every person I see I try to figure out if they
belong to the station wagon.
I stand in front of the dairy section for about ten minutes.
The radio I brought in with me squawks…it’s my Chief.
“You
making out okay? Are you lost?”
“No,
I’m fine. Just getting lunch.”
“Okay,
stop at the gas station and fuel up before you come back." ”
“Sure,
not a problem.”
“Don’t
crash!”
Now
I’m thinking he knows. Could someone have called the station to report me? He’s
testing me to see if I’ll tell him about the accident. Maybe he’s thinking, “If
she’s just honest with me, we’ll give her another chance.” But the radio goes
silent.
I
grab a yogurt, even though I know I won’t be able to bring myself to eat
anything, and a diet ice tea and head to the check out. Even though I could
easily have looked out the front windows of the store to see if the station
wagon is still in the parking lot, I keep my head down, staring at my two
little items as they move along the black belt.
Outside
the sun blinds me and I hold my breath as I scan the parking lot.
The
station wagon is gone. But there the knot in my stomach grows larger because I
know it could be that someone saw me and will call the station.
Of course,
then I stop by the station to fill the ambulance up with gas.
I barely
make it half a mile on the road before the engine starts to sputter, choke, and
just as I pull it to the side of the road, the ambulance seizes, sighs, and
dies.
The Chief and
mechanic show up.
No one had told me
that the ambulances take Diesel gas.
I had used
unleaded gas.
Just as I thought
destiny had opened the door to EMS, I wondered perhaps if these two stupid
mistakes on my first day were signs I wasn't meant for EMS...but I refused to
believe that.
In my gut, I knew I
was in the right place.
Sometimes were
given signs to tell us we're on the wrong path...and sometimes were given
obstacles to test our determination, our faith, our confidence.
In the next 4 years, I'd have many
obstacles - my faith in myself, in my choices tested many times, but I after
that first day, I never doubted I was where I belonged. I spent the next 4
years of loving a job so much I never once bitched about getting up at 4:30 in
the morning to be to work by 6. 4 years of fighting over protocols
and patient treatment and who's turn it was to clean the bathroom. 4 years of
late calls and bullshit calls and doctors with attitudes and nurses who were
bitches.
I loved every minute.
Excerpt from Girl Medic: Confession of Chaos and Calamity Behind the Sirens.
